What’s Next?

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Feeling Lost

As I try to emotionally prepare for my oldest to leave the nest (since it has taken me forever to complete this post, he has already left the nest this morning) and begin life as a college freshman, I am also preparing for my life to change in many different ways. I’m filled with both excitement and a bit of trepidation and he is as well. I think he’s filled with more excitement than anything.  He is not going far, but not having him around here all the time is going to be an adjustment for me. He’s my bud and always so helpful to me. So sweet and thoughtful. I am so proud of him and excited for him to spread his wings, find his people in college and have all the experiences I never had. I missed out on the college experience (unless you count being invited to a few frat parties at PITT, a college experience) and opted for the “School of Hard Knocks” and life on my own, which turned out to be somewhat fun, but mostly just hard without a degree to fall back on. He will become more independent and learn to figure things out on his own with the comfort of knowing that I am always here if he needs me. In four short years he will graduate college a man. Sometimes I can’t even wrap my head around that.

In the meantime my youngest, who is fifteen, has three more years of high school and is driving me nuts! He is more of your typical teenage boy in that he could care less if I’m around because video games and YouTube are life. Unless of course he needs something like clean laundry or a ride somewhere in which case he thinks I should respond immediately and with great enthusiasm. When they say men are from Mars, I believe they start the journey there in their teens. He argues my every word and is, in my opinion, which means nothing, THE messiest child on this planet and seemingly incapable of the simplest tasks around the house. Oh, and he is quite the expert in all areas of life in which I apparently know nothing and am totally unqualified to give advice or an opinion in any of these areas. It sends him over the edge with disgust and humiliation if I dance or sing anywhere near him so I try and do that as often as I can. With all of that being said, I sure do love him even as he drives me crazy and tries to drive me away. I have seen some changes in him recently that give me hope. I think he kind of likes me sometimes now and is maturing, albeit at a snail’s pace. Since both of my boys would hate that I am writing about them I will leave it at that.

With all of this growing up, moving on and maturing going on in my house, I can’t help but think where this leaves me. I feel in some ways like this upcoming time in my life is a re-birth of sorts, but in other ways I feel like, in the words of Katy Perry, “a plastic bag blowing in the wind.” Or something like that.

I have recently started a new job and I couldn’t be happier! It has however, taken much of my time and focus so my blog hasn’t had my attention. When I finally started this blog I was so enthusiastic and proud that I finally did it so I have to be sure not to let things distract me to the point of blog neglect. Writing is so cathartic and liberating for me and when I go too long without writing I feel a tremendous build up.

Ladies, we have to give our lives and what makes us feel good the attention it deserves. We tend to put everybody’s needs and what makes them happy before us. While that may seem like the thing good mothers and wives do, putting yourself on the list, contrary to what we’ve been told in the past, does not make you a selfish or neglectful  wife, mother or friend. Only by filling yourself up can you give to others without feeling drained and resentful. Giving ourselves love and attention allows us to be better for our children, husbands, partners, family and friends in so many ways. Please don’t lose sight of that. There are far too many women that suffer through life and never fully live for themselves. We only get one shot! Make it a priority to do the things that bring you joy and peace. Let your creative side guide you to that place.

“You are not stuck where you are unless you decide to be.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

Taking Baby Steps and Big Leaps

Posted on by admin

Getting started

“There is no greater agony than bearing an untold story inside you.” ~Maya Angelou

In my notebook of quotes ( I love to write quotes and use them when possible) this simple yet poignant quote is the one that I relate to the most. It perfectly depicts how I’ve felt for the past ten or more years. The inner agony I’ve felt as a result of not getting out what’s inside of me. I don’t mean the getting out of feelings and or dealing with past trauma’s. I mean getting out what eats at my heart and soul. What I think about everyday. What I’m passionate about in life. What keeps me awake at night. My purpose.  You see, I have been, until recently, the kind of person that was ALWAYS worried about what others would think of me. So much so that I decided to keep all my dreams, desires and goals inside and buried deep in my soul like a time capsule. For years I told myself, ” You can dig it up later when the time is right.” And the ever popular, ” You still have plenty of time to accomplish things.”  I wouldn’t dare speak them out loud for fear of being judged or laughed at by those closest to me and well, by anybody else for that matter. I couldn’t handle it if what I shared with the people I love was ridiculed or minimized. I guess I knew that my dreams were pretty big and since most of the people in my family live in fear of big dreams or don’t think you should be dreaming that big because after all, “Who do you think you are to have a dream so big?” I decided to keep all the things that seemed “too big” a secret.

Well, that way of thinking my friends is over! I now realize that by keeping it all in and staying small, I wasn’t giving life to my dreams and goals. I wasn’t able to water them and nurture them so they could grow into my life because to do that I would have had to let others see what was planted in my garden. My “secret dream garden.”  When the realization that God planted all the seeds growing in my heart, soul and mind hit me like a brick, I decided to invite people in to see the fertile soil and beautiful growth that was taking place within me. Wow, that’s deep stuff right? The truth is that so many of us have lived this very same way. Small. I refuse to live this way another day. I believe that we are not made to live small. God doesn’t do small. I mean even the smallest creatures are capable of doing very big things. Just look at what the ant can do. My hope is that this blog will give me an outlet to unleash what I’ve harbored inside and let things unfold naturally. I know many of you reading this have things in you that you have kept hidden. I urge you to live the life you’ve dreamed of before it’s too late.

I have wanted to write a blog for years and never had the courage or discipline to actually do it. What changed? Me. I finally got the message (I believe from God) that the time do get started on everything I want has to be now. Let me explain. This past holiday season I came across a list of goals I made in late 2016 that I intended on accomplishing, or at least working on, for 2017. As I looked over the goals I wrote down, I sat almost paralyzed as I realized I hadn’t achieved or even really worked on a single one of my goals. I remained there for several minutes in all my self-loathing glory before I heard a voice (God) shouting at me. “You need to get up and get moving. You have everything you need to accomplish anything you want because I put it there. I want you to prove to yourself that you are not only capable, but worthy of all you want in life.”

That particular way of thinking( thinking I’m worthy and capable) always came and went for me, because I have positive thinking days and very negative thinking days, but this time something was different about the message and the way I heard it. I had the overwhelming feeling that there was no other truth.  All the other “truths” I would tell myself and play over and over in my head are gone. Well, for the most part. I still have moments, but I am somehow able to quiet down the voice that tells me I can’t do hard things or that I don’t deserve to have the life that I want to have. I now have the hope I remember having as a young teenaged girl and young women.

I would sit in my room and think of what I would do with my life. I spent endless hours dreaming of what I could become or what I would achieve. Perhaps I would be someone glamorous, rich and famous or maybe I would invent something or work for a big company. I used to feel like the world was just waiting for me to show it what I was made of. I can still remember everything about my bedroom and the way it smelled, like Rave hairspray and ex’cla-ma’tion perfume. How’s that for a bit of nostalgia? Yes I’m a child of the 70’s and 80’s. Oh the memories from my younger days.  I had a full size bed all to myself and a desk that overlooked the flat roof that covered the porch below where I would go sit, before I was afraid of heights, and dream as I looked up at the stars in the warm summer air. My family had no idea I was out there, but I spent many hours dreaming there. The house we lived in when I was a younger girl from six years old until I was eleven or twelve also had a porch roof outside of my bedroom window. I would sit just outside the window at night while my grandma, who I spent most of my time with, sat on the bed and we would talk for hours while she exhaled the smoke from her Pall Mall cigarettes into the night air. One after the other. Lots of heavy smokers in my family.

Unfortunately my dreams remained just that….dreams. As I grew older and experienced different things that affected me in various ways, I left that young girl full of hope and big dreams behind. As a young women in my twenties I began to focus on different hopes and dreams. Some came from my own desires and others came from what society, family and friends tell us we should want as we approach different phases in our lives. Afterall, they all know what’s best for you and what you should be doing in your life. (I’m never short on sarcasm by the way) I often reflected back on that young girl and wondered where she’d gone. Not that I didn’t realize that I couldn’t hold on to her forever, but why couldn’t I hold on to her wonder and hopefulness? The truth is, is that I could have, but after years of listening to what others told me throughout my life and eventually believing it myself, I let her go without realizing it and with her went her hopefulness and dreams for a big life. In came a new way of thinking that did not serve me well.

“What you think, you become. What you feel, you attract. What you imagine, you create.” ~Buddha

I love this quote because it’s 100 percent true. In your mind, your way of thinking is your perceived reality. If you think and believe you can’t do something or you aren’t worthy of things, guess what? You won’t do the things. Why would you? You’re not worthy of things in mind so you never even try. Whatever the things in your life are that you’ve always wanted to do or try or be or have, You. Are. Worthy.  You are worthy of them all and to be whatever you want to be.

Along the way I managed to live a life that I can be proud of and I have two children that mean the world to me. However, much of my adult experience has been the allowing of life to happen to me and not creating one that I really felt was an authentic way for me to live. How many of us are guilty of this? It’s so easy, when you don’t make a plan or have a clear vision or believe in yourself, to let life roll all over you. Yes, even with the most thought-out plans and visions sometimes life does just happen and we have no control over it.  The job falls through or you get laid off, the marriage doesn’t work, the hot water tank breaks, your kids aren’t the perfect little geniuses you dreamed they would be. Or God forbid an untimely death or a tragedy touches your life. The list goes on and on. When those type of things happen we have little or no control over them, but we do have control over how we react to them and how we allow things to impact us. We have control over how we spend our free time and who we spend it with. We have control over what we say yes to and the things we decide not to do. All of the decisions we make, both big and small, help to create our life. We must take responsibility for that and for the changes we need to make within ourselves and in our outer world to live a more organic, authentic,  joyful existence. It’s never too late to learn something new or be something new or to live a new way. The way you always dreamed of. Now I’m not saying that you should go around changing everything all at once and disrupting everyone else around you. This is especially true if you have children that need to have routines and should be made to feel safe and secure.

Start within and then your outer world will start to reflect the changes you’re making. Gradually you will be living a life more aligned with what you are feeling, thinking and desiring inside so keep it as positive and purposeful as you can. I hope you will come with me as I navigate this blog and my life to bring more of the things that will bring joy and purpose to me and those reading my blog.  I will end with another quote that I love from the late Wayne Dyer. He was and is someone I listen to for inspiration.

“If you change the way you look at things, the things you look at change.” ~Dr. Wayne Dyer

Peace and Love